35 No-Nonsense Thoughts on Motherhood: For My Friend Who’s About to Have a Baby
Honest observations and tips from my son’s first six months, from one first-time mom to another.
I’ve always had trouble writing about myself. But here I am a writer and a new mom with some observations. So I decided to write this list for my friend, Julianne, who’s about to have her first baby. Julianne, I know you have read all the books and seen all the blogs — so these are just some thoughts of my own, some perspective, that you won’t find in those places.
1. Trust yourself, trust your baby. This is one of the only times in your life when truly no one knows better than you do.
2. Go easy on your husband. He’s trying just as hard as you, even if it’s in his own way.
3. The first two weeks are difficult but they are not impossible. Remember that your baby has a will to live. There is really not that much you can do wrong.
4. If you think your baby looks cute when he cries, it makes it much easier to bear it.
5. There’s so much focus on when milestones begin and when your baby will start doing things but almost no focus on when that phase finishes, which to me is just as important. I started asking my doctor “How long will that last?” or “When should I expect that to change?”
6. Speaking of how long things last. Between months four and six, your milk supply will regulate and may dip. So pump, pump, pump! It’s horrible. You’re tired. Your baby is eating well and your freezer is filling up. It’s so tempting to stop or lighten up. Just keep pumping! If your supply does dip, you’ll wish you took advantage of that early oversupply just a bit more!
7. Set timers. You will forget when your baby last ate and will be convinced it couldn’t possibly be time to feed again.
8. Nursing tops are a joke especially for people with big boobs. Do not buy them. Not even one. Buy some nice oversized button downs. Classic. Stylish. Functional.
9. Nursing bras are also a joke. Go for pumping bras.
10. Waking up in the middle of the night is much easier if you have company. Some people may say it’s better to have one person sleep and one person getting up, but I liked suffering together.
11. On that subject, being up together all night is easier still if you can make the most of it. Instead of sitting silently in the dark feeding the baby, feeling angry or tired or frustrated, talk about your day, talk about the cute things you notice in the baby, talk about anything. Use it as a time to connect, not just with the baby but with each other. Remember, this is temporary.
12. Take even more pictures than you’re inclined to take. If you feel like you’re taking too many, take more. Get him from every. single. angle. Get every single part of his body. You will not regret it.
13. Spend lots of time just staring at his face. It will change so fast.
14. Stock up on granola bars and other things you can just eat with one hand.
15. There’s no shame in just watching lots of TV while you hold your baby. You can call it bonding now.
16. You are used to doing many things at once. Being on maternity leave is nice because all you have to do is take care of the baby. Just worrying about that one thing, versus many, is actually very freeing.
17. You will have to keep track of so many things. It’s hard to even keep track of what you need to keep track of. Keep a notebook around or find an app you like and be ready for that starting on Day 1. For starters, you need to keep track of how many wet and poop diapers he has and how much and how long he feeds and sleeps.
18. Jot down any milestones too! When he lifts up his head. When he makes eye contact. When he starts making sounds. Not just for sentimental reasons but because your doctor will also ask you about these and you feel silly when you don’t know.
19. Breastmilk lasts much longer than professional advice would have you believe. On the counter for 24 hours, in the fridge for a couple days, in the freezer for a year.
20. You do not need to wash bottles and pumping parts after every single use. Put them in the fridge and use them throughout the day. Wash them at night. This is a total gamechanger.
21. We hardly ever sanitize the bottles. This is not recommended by anyone. But our son has survived.
22. Babies make all kinds of noises at night and they all sound like variations on dying. It can be hard to sleep with all that potential near-deathness happening right next to you. I tried to think of the nights productively as a time for me to study my baby. When he woke me up because he was whining or grunting or whatever, I just listened to him and watched his movements. That way, when he moved into his own room, I would be more confident about what was happening and when he really needed me.
23. In that first month or so, you will hear from so many people. Calls, texts, Instagram DMs. Answer the phone when it rings because you will not remember to call that person back. Just try to keep it brief and don’t feel bad about cutting someone off with a “baby’s fussing” excuse.
24. Create some kind of keyboard shortcuts with a few nice words like “thank you so much, we’re doing fine!” that can be your response to 75 texts you will get every day from women asking how you’re doing. It is very, very sweet to be indoctrinated into the mommy-club this way but also hard to keep up with.
25. You’re going to get a lot of hospital bills. They just keep rolling in. It makes little sense. Stay organized. Call the hospital or your insurance if you have questions. We found a mistake.
26. Accept your feelings, whatever they are. There is a lot of pressure on moms to experience matrescence a certain way. You experience it how you experience it. This is a time for learning about yourself, not comparing yourself to others. You’ll notice I have not used the words “bundle of joy” or “miracle” in this essay. Not my experience.
27. Matrescense, by the way, is a wonderful word I learned. It’s like adolescence, but it’s the process of becoming a mother rather than becoming an adult. We make all kinds of allowances for teenagers in adolescence and we painstakingly try to teach them how to navigate it. No one will do this for you in your matrescence so allow it for yourself.
28. You’ll make mistakes. At some point, the baby will get hurt and something you did may even put him in danger. I have to assume this happens to everyone but it’s too shameful to talk about. At least that’s what I told myself when it happened to me. Take a deep breath and repeat: The baby is fine and I learned a lesson.
29. In the first few months, you will really only be able to do these things: Feed yourselves, feed the baby, stay (relatively) clean. These three (two-and-a-half?) things are all that’s expected or necessary. Don’t be martyr.
30. Make a grocery list you can just hand to someone when they ask what they can do to help. Same goes for writing down your favorite takeout order. This is not the time to be arguing with your husband about what’s for dinner.
31. Whatever anyone offers to do to help, just say yes.
32. More on accepting help: Either things will get done, or things will get done the way you want them to. You have to choose. I suggest the former. This applies to chores but also taking care of the baby. As long as he is fed/dressed/soothed/alive … don’t worry about how it’s happening.
33. Prepare your breast pump in advance. You have to start a pumping schedule the day you come home from the hospital. Such a buzzkill on an otherwise exciting day.
34. Have a little tequila! It won’t kill him! (See #3). You deserve it! However, be advised you now need a designated sober parent.
35. This is a long game. Rest up. Hydrate. Keep a clear head. You can absolutely do this and do it well.
